Today was the day no one prophesized
Jesus came down from the sky
And decided it was time for the world to end.
He landed somewhere on the equator
And was pissed that no one was there to greet him
He told some friends he was coming, but they were long dead.
So he took out his magical Jesus phone
and he called CNN and he called Fox News
and he told them he had something for them to look at.
So they trained their cameras on him but no one saw
because they were too busy watching Lost
or How I Met Your Mother or What Not to Wear or I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
But Jesus he knows where you live
and Jesus he knows you’ve been bad
and Jesus isn’t about to take your shit.
because Jesus is too old for that
and Jesus is sick of all the crap
that’s piling up into our planet earth.
So Jesus used one of his superpowers
and he hijacked worldwide television
Just like Max Headroom in Chicago only 20 times more creepy.
And he said listen up all you motherfuckers
You’ve really started to bore me.
And now it is time for your world to end.
You used to be cute and funny
but now you just make me depressed
I hate to admit it, but I think I will enjoy this.
And then he turned and said farewell,
and that the Jews were right there is no hell,
so I made one here on Earth, and I called it the jersey shore.
And Jesus, he won’t stand for this
Because, Jesus, he is fucking pissed,
and Jesus, he is ready to end it all
because Jesus is made of magic
and Jesus is made of destruction
and Jesus is made of fire and bombs and a 300 foot long beard.
First Jesus nuked China then Jesus nuked Spain
Then he nuked Iraq and then Bahrain
But he made sure not to nuke Pennsylvania, because that’s where the Amish live.
Then he decided to boil the oceans
and all the narwhals died
and then he turned the clouds into bees, but first he gave everyone allergies.
Before his task was through he remembered
to gather up all the babies
or at least the ones less than 1 year old and he put them in his giant F-150
He drove it on up to heaven
and he looked in his rearview mirror,
and uttered the words “mission accomplished”.
credits
from Eargasm,
released December 22, 2011
Alex Mattingly - Drums
Evan Ledesma - Bass
Max Symmes - Synth, Lead Vocals
Brutal, battering industrial music from this Austin, TX, group rolls in like a thundercloud—pitch-black and threatening. Bandcamp New & Notable Aug 8, 2016
This debut from the punk band mixes poetry and punk aesthetics to tackle issues like Indigenous, Black, and trans rights. Bandcamp New & Notable Sep 19, 2023
Gutsy rock & roll from this Brooklyn group bursting with hot-rodding riffs and snarling vocals, hearkening back to classic dark punk. Bandcamp New & Notable Apr 24, 2023
Taking cues from Midwestern emo and early ’10 pop punk, this Leeds, UK outfit are full of heart— not to mention hooks. Bandcamp New & Notable Sep 21, 2022
The Canadian pop-punk band deliver their biggest-sounding album to date, rooted in full-bodied production and cheery nihilism. Bandcamp Album of the Day Apr 5, 2022
Halloween comes early with the raucous debut effort from Melbourne's Rot TV, a scuzzy horror-rock freak show in 12 parts. Bandcamp New & Notable Feb 23, 2022