Eargasm

by The Schizophriends

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about

The Schizophriends set out on a year long effort to create their vision of the most dickrockin', cockrockin', cock-cockity-cock, album.

Dick.

credits

released December 22, 2011

Alex Mattingly - Drums, Vocals
Evan Ledesma - Bass, Vocals
Max Symmes - Synth, Programming, Vocals
Tim Zamanigan - Guitar, Vocals

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The Schizophriends Huntington Beach, California

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Track Name: Eargasm
(instrumental)
Track Name: The Bible 2: Jesus's Revenge
Today was the day no one prophesized
Jesus came down from the sky
And decided it was time for the world to end.

He landed somewhere on the equator
And was pissed that no one was there to greet him
He told some friends he was coming, but they were long dead.

So he took out his magical Jesus phone
and he called CNN and he called Fox News
and he told them he had something for them to look at.

So they trained their cameras on him but no one saw
because they were too busy watching Lost
or How I Met Your Mother or What Not to Wear or I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

But Jesus he knows where you live
and Jesus he knows you’ve been bad
and Jesus isn’t about to take your shit.

because Jesus is too old for that
and Jesus is sick of all the crap
that’s piling up into our planet earth.

So Jesus used one of his superpowers
and he hijacked worldwide television
Just like Max Headroom in Chicago only 20 times more creepy.

And he said listen up all you motherfuckers
You’ve really started to bore me.
And now it is time for your world to end.

You used to be cute and funny
but now you just make me depressed
I hate to admit it, but I think I will enjoy this.

And then he turned and said farewell,
and that the Jews were right there is no hell,
so I made one here on Earth, and I called it the jersey shore.

And Jesus, he won’t stand for this
Because, Jesus, he is fucking pissed,
and Jesus, he is ready to end it all

because Jesus is made of magic
and Jesus is made of destruction
and Jesus is made of fire and bombs and a 300 foot long beard.

First Jesus nuked China then Jesus nuked Spain
Then he nuked Iraq and then Bahrain
But he made sure not to nuke Pennsylvania, because that’s where the Amish live.

Then he decided to boil the oceans
and all the narwhals died
and then he turned the clouds into bees, but first he gave everyone allergies.

Before his task was through he remembered
to gather up all the babies
or at least the ones less than 1 year old and he put them in his giant F-150

He drove it on up to heaven
and he looked in his rearview mirror,
and uttered the words “mission accomplished”.
Track Name: Obamination
In 2012
Obama get re'lected
Yea u no it gurl
Obama get re'lected
Everybody love it when
Obama get re'lected
Yes we can
Obama get re'lected
Fuck republicans
Obama get re'lected
He blew up all the taxes
Obama get re'lected
Ladies be all crazy now
Obama get re'lected
No more diabetes
Obama get re'lected

USA! (x8)

In 2016
Obama get re'lected
Fuck the constitution
Obama get re'lected
Change
Obama get re'lected
He don't need no senate
Obama get re'lected
He don't no congress
Obama get re'lected
He don't need no votes
Obama get re'lected
Kickflip off the white house
Obama get re'lected
Obama don't care
Obama get re'lected

USA! (x8)

In 2084
Obama get re'lected
He's a cyborg now
Obama get re'lected
Cyborgs never die
Obama get re'lected
Never not Obama
Obama get re'lected
Set fire to New China
Obama get re'lected
Kill all humans
Obama get re'lected
Global domination
Obama get re'lected
Everyone's Obama
Obama get re'lected

USA! (xforever)
Track Name: I Punched A Guy In The Face Named Kyle
Have you ever seen The Green Mile?

I punched a guy in the face named Kyle.

My favorite Street Fighter character is Guile.

I punched a guy in the face named Kyle.

The government is gonna put me on trial.

I punched a guy in the face named Kyle.

Hey girl, I like your style.

I punched a guy in the face named Kyle.

Do you prefer linoleum or tile?

I punched a guy in the face named Kyle.
Track Name: Dungeon Of The Gru
We've entered the dungeon, sir.
Excellent work lad. Get out your vorpals, we will slay the demons here.
I spot a gru, sir.
Oh my! Quick, slay him with your axe!
Ahhhhhhhhh! Ohhoho yes mmmm.

Trapped in a dungeon
We'll never get out
Trapped in a dungeon
Lalalalala

I am the gru.
Prepare to die you insolent humans.
You'll never get through the dungeon.

I. AM. THE. ROBOT. GRU.
BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP
PREPARE TO DIE
GRAAAAWR

Trapped in a dungeon
We'll never get out
Trapped in a dungeon
Lalalalala

Good job gents, it looks like we've defeated the gru.
Hip hip, hooray!
Alright, now let's make our way to the end.
I think that's a great idea, captain! ahahahaha
Oh my! This looks like a biiiiiig thing that we're gonna have to fight.
I agree!

Trapped in a dungeon
We'll never get out
Trapped in a dungeon
Lalalalala

I am the second evil thing in the dungeon.
Ahahahahahaha
Muhuhhuhuh
You'll never make it out of here alive, you stupid, stupid people.
Ahahahaha
Ohohoho

Trapped in a dungeon
We'll never get out
Trapped in a dungeon
Lalalalala

We made it, yes!
Track Name: Nite Bus
Darkness creeps acrosst the land
Dragons and men with hooks for hands
The Schizophriends are an awesome band
They love the nite bus…man

Nite bus bring us to the light
Nite bus savior of the night
Travelling at the speed of light
It makes my pants get super tight

The bus pulls up, drivers seat unmanned
Creatures of the night no one can command
I can feel it in my prostate gland
It’s da night bus….understand?

Nite bus stops for no traffic light
Nite bus will get us through the fight
Jet propelled engine, flames ignite
It seems so wrong, but feels so right

From mortal men, it souls demand
Rays of light you can’t withstand
Step inside and you’ll get tanned
This ain’t no sedan….fuuuuk

Nite bus helps us reunite
Nite bus bathed in UV light
Nite bus, Nite bus
Nite bus, ALRIGHT!
Track Name: Dick Joke #42
(instrumental)
Track Name: ToXXXic Woman
Saw you rollin' by on my way to the ICU
I started feeling hot but it might've been my flu
Lyin' on that gurney I knew what you wanted to do.
Even though you were unconscious, I still knew
That you wanted to screw, ungh.

Oh toxic woman
My body's decomposing with love for you
Oh toxic woman
With all the deadly gases you're starting to spew

Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh

When you woke up I was standing by your bed
I was really happy you didn't turn out dead
I said are you gonna finish your garlic bread
You said no and started giving me head.

Oh toxic woman
Your legs are spread but I'm starting to dread
Oh toxic woman
My skin's starting to shed and my feet feel like lead

Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh

I rolled you in to the janitor's room
I lifted your gown and I smelled some fumes
and suddenly, my dick went BOOM
I knew this closet would be my tomb

Ooh toxic woman
I'm sorry, that doesn't happen very often
Ooh toxic woman
Your deadly love's gonna put me in a coffin

Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh
Toxic woman
Oh oh oh oh oh

Soon I passed out from your scent
When I woke up a had a morning tent
I looked around but you had came and went
Oh toxic woman you're my toxic lament
At least I got your consent

Oh toxic woman
You're giving me all these heart palpitations
Oh toxic woman
At least I won't be needing any more operations
Cuz I'm dead
Track Name: Autonomous Funktionz
I BREATHE IN.

I BREATHE OUT.

MY HEART BEATS.

MY EYES BLINK.

I DIGEST.

MY HAIR GROWS.

I SHED SKIN.

THESE ARE MY AUTONOMOUS FUNCTIONS.
THESE ARE MY AUTONOMOUS FUNCTIONS.
I AM MADE OF TISSUE AND ORGANS.
I AM ALIVE.
Track Name: Plinko!
Ever since I was a little girl I enjoyed watching the price is right. Bob barker really knows how to make a woman swoon. 40 years later and here I am flipping through the channels, lo and behold the clock strikes 10. I know what that means. Time to come on down. They’ve got lots of games on there, and I’ve mastered them all. I’ve built replicas of Cliff Hangers and Dice Game in my basement. But there’s one game that stands above all.

PLINKO! (x12)
READY NOW! COME ON DOWN!
PLINKO! (x12)
DROP IT DOWN! HERE WE GO!

I finally made up my mind, I sold my house in Pittsburgh and all my children and made my way to the studio in southern California. On the flight over, the air marshall started to…ah, never mind. That’s a story for another time. Anyway, I got in the audience line, and they interviewed me. I knew what they wanted….me. Sure enough, after some shmuck loses on One Away, Drew Carey tells me to come on down. I easily bid the closest without going over in Contestant’s Row. I’m ready for my moment. My time to play…

PLINKO! (x12)
READY NOW! COME ON DOWN!
PLINKO! (x12)
DROP IT DOWN! HERE WE GO!

As they wheel out the magnificent Plinko machine, something goes horribly wrong. The machine runs over Drew’s foot and falls and smashes the glass on the front into pieces. I'd be unable to play plinko. They told me it was ok, I could play Punch-A-Bunch instead.
I felt like I handled the ensuing events with a great deal of restraint and dignity. The fire only claimed 34 victims. I made my way over to the machine and propped it up. Before I was engulfed in the surrounding inferno, I was going to play one last game of…

PLINKO! (x12)
READY NOW! COME ON DOWN!
PLINKO! (x12)
DROP IT DOWN! HERE WE GO!
Track Name: Product Placement
I drove in my Scion XB to the AMC
With my girl to see Jumanji
The Pop Secret was a little bit pricey
But is was ok we split our Icee

The sound was provided by THX
But as I reached for the Milk Duds, I saw your ex.

Sony
Sharpie
Adidas
Nike
Pepperidge Farm
McDonalds
Hitachi
Hasbro
Nintendo
Samsung
Capcom
Chevrolet
Beanie Babies
Girl I love you.

You left me solo with my Rolos saying "No, please don't go"
Had me cryin' all the way past the Home Depot
downed some Bacardi at my pity party
almost threw up my Chef Boyardee

I turned on the Toshiba and your PS3
but as I booted up Killzone 2, I thought of ye.

Abercrombie
Apple
Microsoft
Brisk Tea
Bandai
Canon
Nikon
Burger King
Fender
Star Wars
Sharper Image
Lego
Craftsman
IBM
Girl I miss you.

Your love was like a McRib, only 1.99
and only available for a limited time.

I'll never forget all the good times we had
But I don't need you anymore cuz I've got an iPad
2.

Simmons
Sealy
Serta
Spring Air
Sterns & Foster
Miralux
Chattaman Wells
Coca Cola
GE
Wal Mart
Nabisco
Calvin Klein
Activision
BUY AN iPad.
Track Name: Shit.
Shit.
Track Name: A Fistful of Dicks
He worked on the trains
With other chinamen
Makin’ their way out west
They called him Master Chen
Railroad work was tough
The white dudes killed his friend
That was the final straw
And so he vowed revenge


They called him Master Chen
He had an iron fist
Don’t kill his friend
Or else you’ll make him pissed
He’ll come into your house
And kill you really quick
And then he’ll burn it down
And he’ll rip off your dick


He left the trains behind
With all the body parts
He roamed from town to town
Using badass martial arts
The sheriff tracked him down
It was 1 versus 10
He ripped off all their dicks
It wasn’t really zen

They called him Master Chen
The man with solemn eyes
But if you crossed his path
You would be sodomized
He drifted ‘cross the west
As hot as it was dry
Until one moonlit night
A glowing ship came by


You aliens think you can contain me?
I rip off your dick
Track Name: Diabeetus
I was at the doctors and he told some fat kids
I really need to pencil you in
Cuz you’re gonna die in a little bit
If you don’t get some insulin.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Diabeetus! (x4)

The fat kids looked like they were gonna cry
As they yelled “mommy mommy, please feed us”
She said alright but no sugar for you
Because you’ve got type 2 diabeetus.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Diabeetus! (x4)
Break it down!
Calories.

Well look at me, I’m a 10 year-old
And all these sweet foods say “c’mon, man, eat us!”
I say sorry Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs.
I can’t, I’ve got the diabeetus.

(breathing solo)

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Diabeetus! (x4)

I probably got it genetically
From my great-great grandpa’s uncle Cletus.
It’s probably that, not my awful diet
That’s gotta be why I’ve got this diabetes.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Diabeetus! (x4)
A buh buh beetus buh buh beetus buh buh beetus beetus (x3)
Diabetes sucks, yeah!
Track Name: Otaku Grrl
First date, I couldn't wait to see you
You showed up late, dressed up as Pikachu
I should've known what I was getting myself into
I can't believe my luck I was dating an otaku
...an otaku

Time went by like a bullet train
You were hot like ramen noodles it was driving me insane
Thing weren't right and that's all she wrote
And when she cursed my name it may as well have been a Death Note

Otaku girl come back to me
Watashi wa kimi ga koishii
Otaku girl don't leave my side
Don't say sayonara tonight

Should have seen it coming when you were sexin' me
And when you scream my name it sounds a lot like "Zechs Marquise"
When you're not here I can't breathe correctly
But the words you say attack my life points directly

One more shot is all I ask
You could be the Sailor Moon to my Tuxedo Mask
If you leave me here I'l never be ok
But if you take me back you know I'll spirit you awayyyy

Otaku girl come back to me
Watashi wa kimi ga koishii
Otaku girl don't leave my side
Don't say sayonara

My ki runs low when I see her face
And we fell in love while we were jumping onto white base
AHH AHH BASE AHH AHH BASE BASE

Otaku girl come back to me
Watashi wa kimi ga koishii
Otaku girl don't leave my side
Don't say sayonara tonight

Otaku girl come back to me
I was baka for ignoring someone so super kawaii
Otaku girl don't leave my side
Don't say sayonara tonight

Otaku girl come back to me
Watashi wa kimi ga koishii
Otaku girl don't leave my side
Don't say sayonara tonight
Track Name: Sarlacc Pit
Walking through the desert of Tatooine
My profits dryer than I’d like to admit
The missus was angry, her rage was ablaze
Our moisture farm couldn’t take another hit.

All of these thoughts were on my mind
There’s enough to make me want to quit
The two suns’ glare had me in a daze
Then I tripped and fell into the Sarlacc pit.

One thousand years, one thousand years
Why did I trip, now I’ll never get out…
For a thousand years.

As I trudge around the stomach of this ancient beast
My thoughts turn to my wife and kids
I realized I hate their guts, and my life totally sucks
Things are not as bad inside the Sarlacc pit.

One thousand years, one thousand years
No more bitchy wife, no more stupid ugly kids…
For a thousand years.

Then I looked around, and I saw this guy
A bounty hunter by the name of “Fett”
He said he had a plan to escape this place
So we flew out of the Sarlacc pit.

One thousand years, one thousand years
Now I’m gonna be a bounty hunter with my new best friend
For a thousand years.

Yeah.